The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

DIAMOND NINJA FORCE (1986) ***

Richard (Mad Dog) Harrison stars in his umpteenth kung fu movie as Master Gordon and it’s a good one.

After defeating his rival clan, The Black Ninja Clan in the previous installment, he’s content on just taking pictures of his cute wife. Little does he know that his enemies are looking into buying a haunted house (it was built on ninja burial ground) to regain their “missing magic”. Unfortunately for them, there’s a family still living in the house. They encounter zombies, a decapitated head in the laundry basket, maggots and snakes.

The way the filmmakers try to convince you that there are actually GHOST NINJAS in the house is priceless. Before something supernatural happens, there’s a quick shot of some ninja dude waving a sword around. When the surrounding red tinted light reflects off his sword, something “scary” happens.

I love it.

The ghosts also like to watch the husband and wife screw (they must have a pretty healthy sex life to continue getting it on in the face of the supernatural shenanigans) while they masturbate. The family also has an annoying kid named Bobo who still wets the bed and gets thrown through the air by the ghosts. Harrison helps the family by sending in a magician named Magic Chan (who uses “magic mirrors”) to save the day. When the ninjas kill Harrison’s wife he says, “I promise I’ll avenge you!” In the end, he battles the leader of The Black Ninja Clan to the death (guess who wins).

This crazy flick seems like two movie edited into one. Harrison has one scene with the family, but you never see them in the same shot, mostly just him talking on a telephone. I also love how Harrison wears a red jumpsuit during his fight scenes, making it easier for the editor to match him up with his stunt double! The Harrison/kung fu half of the flick seems just like outtakes from one of Harrison’s earlier movies slapped together with a Chinese Poltergeist rip-off.

There are some great doubt your sanity moments, like when the goldfish commit suicide, but the best part of the movie though is when Harrison uses a Garfield phone (!) and nonchalantly says, “They’re on my death list!” There are also some classic scenes of Harrison training by candlelight and lots of fake fog too. The dialogue is priceless and contains such gems as, “Use your devil magic! You must help me!”, “There are no ghosts, only ghost ninjas!”, “He was attacked by demons, they made him sick!”, and “Prepare to die soon, very soon indeed!”

There’s also a good deal of sex and nudity too, making it highly recommended. Better still, they steal Jimmy Page’s music from Death Wish 3! Awesome!

AKA: Ghost Ninjas.
Tags: action, d, kung fu
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