Back in the 80’s, everyone had an exercise video. Jane Fonda, Dixie Carter, and even Ginger Lynn all tried to get everyone off the couches and into shape. Of all the A-List, B-List, and C-List celebrities that starred in their own workout tape, Laura Gemser’s has to be the strangest. Not that I claim to be an expert in the field. I mean, the last workout video I watched was the Cindy Crawford one and I wasn’t exactly watching that for the aerobics if you know what I mean and I think you do.
It’s not the fact that Gemser is such a low rent celebrity that makes this flick so downright weird. I mean, I’m a big fan of Gemser’s Black Emanuelle series and I jumped at the chance to see this. (I’ve watched worse movies that held less promise.) But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for… THIS. I have to go on record here by saying that Gemser’s foray into the exercise video field, Looking Good With Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking workout video I have ever seen in my life.
Scratch that: Looking Good With Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking THING I have ever seen in my life.
God where do I begin? Let’s start with the fact that Laura DOESN’T EVEN DO ANY OF THE FUCKING EXERCISES! Mostly, she just sits in a huge wicker chair and commands everyone else to do the exercises while she delivers a monotone voiceover. Early in the video, she tells us that she does these exercises to maintain her figure because she’s a movie star and stuff. We never once though see her do anything other than some simple stretches. Sometimes they’ll cut to a close-up of her on the floor smiling after the exercise is over and done with to make it look like she really did it but even a near-sighted four year-old could tell you she didn’t do shit.
I think the most hilarious part was when she says that “anyone can do these exercises” including her instructor, who happens to be PREGNANT. I know these exercises are decidedly low impact so I’m sure a preggo person could do it, but does that mean that at the end of the video Gemser can SIT on top of the poor pregnant woman like she was a human throne? I can hear her now. “Hey pregnant lady, go do all these exercises. Oh wait, are you tired? Here lay flat on your belly on the floor and prop your feet upwards. Why? Because I’m going to SIT ON YOU LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN THRONE GODDAMN IT, THAT’S WHY!”
The program is only an hour long but I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem a Hell of a lot longer. To add insult to injury, just about half the goddamn video is filmed in slow motion. I’m guessing if they didn’t do that, the video would’ve only been about 25 minutes. To further pad the running time, the last ten minutes of the video is a “freestyle” dance session where all the women just uh… dance. They even do The Robot at one point. I’m not kidding.
Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
How do I even issue a star rating for this thing? Judging Looking Good With Laura Gemser for what it was intended is an easy task. No one in their right mind would ever do any of these exercises. No one in their right mind could stand the nausea inducing slow motion. No one in their right mind would trust an exercise video by someone who was too lazy to do the exercises themselves. No one in their right mind would follow the advice of anyone who sat on a pregnant lady. So in that respect, the flick gets No Stars. BUT… since this is the looniest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on; I have to give it at least One Star for the utter absurdity of it all.
Laura’s best instruction: “Sweat! That’s what I want you to do!”