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New Line bought the rights to the Jason franchise so they could pit him against their flagship horror star Freddy Krueger.  Instead of making that film though, they decided to make the “Final” Jason movie first.  To tantalize the audience, they even had a wicked cool shot of Freddy’s glove grabbing Jason’s mask at the end of the film.  That part is awesome.  The rest of the movie is total garbage.

 

Well, that’s not entirely true.  The opening sequence is a well done stalk n’ slash scenario where Jason chases a chick in a bath towel through the woods.  Then from out of nowhere, the SWAT team shows up and they blow up Jason into a million pieces.  Pretty cool.  Then the movie dives head first into the shitter. 

 

The coroner (Richard Gant, George Washington Duke from Rocky 5) is sifting through what’s left of Jason until he gets to his heart.  What does this idiot do?  He eats it.  Dumb ass.  He then “becomes” Jason and kills people.  After awhile, the lump of shit that’s supposed to represent Jason’s evil spirit hops mouth-first into somebody else and takes over their body.  Then they kill more people.

 

Yup, those morons at New Line took a Jason movie and basically turned it into a Hidden remake.  This movie is so soul-crushingly stupid, that it’s almost sad.  I mean why the fuck would you pay mega-bucks to get the rights to make a Jason movie and then NOT EVEN HAVE JASON IN THE DAMN MOVIE! 

 

Jason doesn’t really kill anyone in this flick since it’s just various possessed individuals doing all the slaying, but I’ll do the obligatory rundown of murders anyway:  probe to the head, slashing, spike through a chick while she’s mid-orgasm, head slammed in a car door, head slammed against another head, wrist snapping, head in the deep fryer, punch in the mouth, the requisite head crushing, and a fatal bear hug.  There’s a fairly decent melting scene too, although that just happens whenever “Jason’s” host body dies.

 

The few but fleeting nice things I have to say about the movie are barely enough to make a full-fledged paragraph.  There’s a lot of titties on display, which is always a good thing and we get a funny scene where Fake Jason steps on a condom while two horny teens are fucking.  The Necronomicon from Evil Dead makes a cameo too.  That’s about it.

 

The bad far outweighs the good though.  How about the WTF scene where Fake Jason ties a naked dude up S & M style before puking his Turd Monster “soul” into his mouth?  Or the tasteless scene where said Turd Monster crawls in between the legs of Jason’s sister (Erin Gray from Buck Rogers, still looking mighty fine)?  Or that this movie has the absolute worst “hero” since the invention of the silver screen.

 

That’s not even the biggest problem with Jason Goes to Hell.  That would be the fact that Real Jason is only in the first ten and last five minutes of the movie.  If that’s your idea of a good time, have at it.  Any other sane horror fan will want to steer clear.

 

Note:  Add an extra Half-Star if you happen to catch the “Unrated Version” because it’s got a ton of gore the MPAA idiotically cut out.

 

Second Note:  This is the second time in the series they had a “Final” installment.  Maybe the title just meant that it was the Final Friday of the calendar year and not the franchise.

 

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time “hero” John D. LeMay falls to the ground.

 

<Tomorrow’s Horror Franchise Movie:  Freddy vs. Jason>

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