Ms. Peterson (Julie Ange) comes to a small town high school to teach sex education. A lot of people don’t like that too much, particularly a greasy pornographer, because Ms. Peterson threatens his “business” of selling dirty pictures to school kids. Meanwhile, one of her students, Arlene (Arlene Farber from Female Animal) is upset that her jock boyfriend won’t marry her so she fakes being pregnant. Arlene’s dad becomes furious and thinks the Sex Ed teacher should be fired, so he calls an emergency PTA meeting. Arlene eventually fesses up and Ms. Peterson's name is cleared, but not until she shows everyone an “educational” film strip showcasing the actual birth of a baby.
Jerry Gross, producer of such classics as I Spit on Your Grave, I Drink Your Blood, and Zombie wrote and directed this landmark in exploitation entertainment. In terms of a movie, Teenage Mother ain’t much. It’s slow paced and far too much of the flick is padded with useless scenes of teens dancing and drag racing. As a piece of exploitation showmanship, it deserves it’s place in schlock history. Gross was smart enough to know that people would sit through an hour of After School Special crap just to see 3 minutes of disgusting “clinical” birthing footage. (Plus, movies like this were the only place you could see full-on vag.) Gross even put together a great ad campaign (“Teenage Mother Means Nine Months of Trouble!”) that had nothing to do with the actual movie. I mean Arlene doesn’t even get pregnant… what a rip-off!
That’s OK though because the birthing scene is appropriately disgusting. As someone who has watched a lot of birthing movies lately as part of his parenting class, I can attest that obstetrics have come a long way in 42 years. This clinical footage looks about as clinical as Faces of Death (or maybe Let Me Die a Woman). Not only does the doctor use some medieval looking forceps, but he also performs a hasty episiotomy (the cutting of the vagina) as well. All this and you get an extremely youthful Fred (Best in Show) Willard popping up as the high school coach.
Teenage Mother is pretty worthless but the birthing stuff is guaranteed to make you want to upchuck in your shorts. One Star for the lame-o “plot”, Three Stars for the baby coming out of a bloody cooch. That makes a Two Star average.