Some dude that looks like Jim Palmer graduates from high school and is given a brand new car by his hillbilly parents. This makes his two older brothers extremely jealous and they go out and get drunk and beat people up. Meanwhile our hero loses his virginity to some ugly chick that looks like Kristen Wiig with a $1500 a day heroin habit. After successfully knocking the boots for the first time, the idiot gets beaten up by his asshole brothers. It’s at this point where our “hero” gets magically healed by a Christ-like hermit who lives in the woods. In the end, the prodigal son returns home to open up a can of whoop ass on his brawling brothers.
I really have to wonder about our hero in this movie. (Forgive me for not bothering to look up his name; I haven’t had my coffee yet.) Let’s face it; we’re talking about a guy who spurns the advances of a hot MILF just because he thinks he’s in love with the fugly Skeletor chick. This is a guy who would rather run around wrestling another dude wearing Speedos than hang out with the topless girls who are horsing around in the same stream. When our “hero” makes stupid decisions like that, it makes it hard for the audience to root for him. No wonder his brothers want to kick his ass so bad.
Now that I think about it though, I don’t even know why his siblings wanted to beat the bejabbers out of him anyway. I mean his new sports car had a rainbow decal on the hood for Christ’s sake. Now I know in the 70’s detailed vans were all the rage, but I never remembered seeing a car detailed. Why in the world would his brothers be so jealous about his stupid looking car; especially if it had a goddamn rainbow on it? If that was my brother, I’d be GLAD my pops didn’t give me a fucking Rainbow Brite car.
If you can’t already tell this movie pretty much sucks and I’m just rambling on to kill time before my coffee finishes brewing. Now that the coffee is ready, I’ll tell you that this movie had quite a number of titties in it. It’s for this reason that I’m giving it Two Stars instead of One.
AKA: Country Dreamin’.