The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

THEY (1974) NO STARS

There is a mysterious plague sweeping the planet that takes form in a little smoke bomb.  Whoever breathes in the red fumes starts coughing like they just smoked a carton of Menthols and keel over.  Four Canuck-leheads manage to survive living in the Manitoba wilderness.  They try to reach civilization via ham radio but instead get an alien voice on the other line.  The quartet of nincompoops (plus one homely looking chick) stupidly thinks the voice is trustworthy and the aliens come and vaporize the clueless Canadians.

 

I rarely award No Stars to a movie.  Usually, the only time I do this is if a film is completely morally bankrupt (like The Cell) or is so vapidly boring it makes me want to pull my hair out (like Unbreakable).  They is a case of the latter.  99% of this movie is devoted to a bunch of dumbasses sitting in a log cabin and futzing around with a CB.  What’s worse is the fact that the film’s biggest special effect is nothing more than a red flashlight.

 

The beginning of the flick is edited so poorly that I honestly believe the editor died in mid-scene and a four year old finished it for him.  There are scenes of people panicking, then we see a Rand McNally globe, and finally we’re left with a blurry shot of a Pogo Ball that I think was supposed to represent the imminent alien invasion.  That part kinda got a chuckle out of me and made me think that They could be a fun Grade Z flick.  I was wrong.  Once the dudes hole up in the cabin, the movie begins to move slower than a snail moonwalking uphill on a mountain of molasses. 

 

The idiotic “ending” in which the last remaining (ugliest) boy and girl of the group become young and frolic in the fields is especially WTF.  I think we were supposed to think that this was one of those Garden of Eden deals where the aliens destroyed the human race and left only one boy and one girl to start over again.  Unfortunately, the editing for this scene is so piss poor that it’s liable to give you whiplash.

 

I’ve sat through some bad Bill Rebane movies in my time.  (Monster a Go-Go, Rana:  the Legend of Shadow Lake, The Alpha Incident, The Demons of Ludlow, The Cold, Twister’s Revenge, etc.)  This is his worst.  Boy is that ever saying something.

 

AKA:  Invasion from Inner Earth.  AKA:  Hell Fire.

Tags: sci-fi, t
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