The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum


Movies like Transformers:  Revenge of the Fallen is the reason why Netflix was invented.  This way I can watch a horrible robot movie anonymously in the comfort of my own home without being publicly embarrassed.  Viewing it in the privacy of my living room was still embarrassing though. 


You want to talk embarrassing?  Let’s talk embarrassing.  Let’s talk about the ice cream truck robot has a bumper sticker that says, “Suck my popsicle”.  Let’s talk about the gratuitous humping dogs that wouldn’t even make a two year old laugh.  Let’s talk about the gratuitous product placement.  (Why else would a freshman have a Mountain Dew machine in his room?)  Let’s talk about the annoying mom who eats a mess of pot-laced brownies.  Let’s talk about ridiculously stereotyped jive-talking robots.  Let’s talk about John Turturro in a jock strap.  Let’s talk about the idiotic Robo-Geezer with a British accent.  Let’s talk about a tiny robot humping Megan Fox’s leg.  Let’s talk about Shia LaBeouf dying and going to Robo-Heaven.


This movie is fucking embarrassing but it also happens to slightly better than the first Transformers. The best part is Peter Cullen’s voice as Optimus Prime.  He lends the character a certain dignity that none of the other robots (or humans) has.  Too bad he completely disappears halfway through the movie. 


The main baddie in the flick, The Fallen is kinda like The Emperor in Return of the Jedi.  He sits on a throne and speaks in a sickly voice to his apprentice.  He doesn’t do a whole lot but at least he’s cooler than the pathetic Megatron.  The best robot in the whole deal was the Robo-Whore who transforms from slut to killer Decepticon in 3 seconds flat.


The humans are so goddamn annoying that I was actually rooting for the Decepticons to fuck everybody up.  The scene where they inflict harm on Shia (who still hasn’t learned how to act) was pretty good but they should’ve been allowed to go all the way and really do some damage to that whiny little bitch.  Seriously, do we even need humans in these movies?  I mean what’s the point?


“Director” Michael Bay films things with all the wit and style of a Slim Jim commercial.  I will say that the robot battles are a tad more coherent this time around, the highlight being the fight in the woods where Optimus rips a Decepticon’s face off.  Bay unfortunately goes overboard on his patented 360 camera pans.  So much so that will make you want to puke.  He also gives us more slow motion scenes of people running and ducking for cover during the finale than the human mind can comprehend. 


You know, when I was a kid, I liked the Transformer toys because it was kinda like a puzzle trying to figure out how to turn the robot into the car.  It’s this puzzle aspect that made them fun (at least to me anyway).  In the movies, they transform from vehicle to robot all by themselves in a matter of seconds without rhyme or reason to where any of the parts go.  It took a little something called imagination to make the toy’s transformation believable.  It’s that same kind of imagination that’s sorely lacking from these films.


Turturro gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I am directly below the enemy scrotum!”

Tags: sci-fi, sequel, t
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