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ANACONDAS: TRAIL OF BLOOD (2009) **

<Can’t get enough Horror Franchise Movie Reviews?  Here’s another one!>

 

Anacondas:  Trail of Blood is almost exactly like the previous Anaconda film, Anaconda 3.  The difference is that there is no David Hasselhoff.  That means it’s not very good.

 

As in Part 3, scientists are still out in the jungle fucking around with the Blood Orchid trying to make some Anti-Cancer serum.  Since John Rhys-Davies only has a week to live, he wants that shit bad.  But first, he must send out an army of slimy European hitmen into the jungle to kill the chick who knows all about the Blood Orchids (Crystal Allen).  And of course, where there are Blood Orchids, there are giant ass anacondas.

 

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy favors the usual Direct-to-DVD style action (shootouts and such) over the anaconda attacks, which is particularly disheartening for a die hard Anaconda fan like myself.  I do compliment him for his limited use of the snakes’ POV shots (or as I like to call it, “Anaconda-Vision”) though.  Once the anacondas finally do get to strut their stuff, FauntLeRoy does let the red stuff flow pretty freely. 

 

Sadly, Anacondas:  Trail of Blood is a big fat bore most of the time.  The main reason for this is that there are way too many useless subplots that get in the way of the Anaconda action.  (The tedious scenes involving the scientist chick getting bit by a mosquito is a prime example.) 

 

There is one scene in this movie that is positively genius.  This European hitman is about to get swallowed up by the anaconda.  He realizes his own mortality and figures he’ll take the anaconda out with him.  The guy grabs two grenades from his belt, pulls the pins, closes his eyes, and lets out a mighty battle cry just as the snake is bearing down on him.  About five seconds go by and the dude opens his eyes again, only to see the snake slithering away.  He looks down at the grenades and goes “Oh…” before blowing up into a hundred pieces. 

 

That shit had me rolling on the couch in laughter.  This scene is right up there with the Lance Henriksen “Whoops!” scene from Hard Target.  It’s that good.  If Anacondas:  Trail of Blood had about two or three more scenes of high class hilarity like that; it may have been worthy of the Anaconda name.   

 

Rhys-Davies gets the best line when he says, “He has appeared… to have disappeared!”

 

Special Note:  For whatever reason, the odd-numbered Anaconda movies are called “Anaconda” and the even-numbered Anaconda movies are called “Anacondas”. 

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