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THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1990) *

The Final Sacrifice is one of those movies that gained a second life thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000.  If it wasn’t for Mike and the ‘bots tearing it apart mercilessly; there would be no other reason on God’s green earth to sit through this turd.  I don’t know a soul brave enough to watch it any other way.

 

Troy (Christian Malcolm) finds a treasure map in his dead dad’s trunk and goes looking for a mythical lost city.  Sa-Toris (brother of Clit-Toris?) is a leader of an evil cult that also wants the map, so he sends his hooded, machine gun wielding, tank top-wearing goons after Troy.  Luckily, Troy runs into a slovenly drifter with a shady past named Zap Rowsdower (Bruce J. Mitchell) that helps him defeat the cult and return the lost city to it’s former glory.

 

If you think a name like Zap Rowsdower is a supremely stupid name for a hero; you’re not alone.  Just remember though that the writer and director of this movie is named Tjardus Greidanus.  With a handle like that; old Tjardus must’ve thought the name Zap Rowsdower sounded pretty awesome.

 

Man, The Final Sacrifice is the pits.  The budget was nonexistent, the action is pathetic, and the acting is uniformly terrible; except for Ron Anderson who played Mike Pipper.  You know; the dude sporting the large Afro and prospector beard with the Yosemite Sam voice.  That fucking guy cracked me up.  Every time he opens his mouth, you just have to laugh because his crotchety old man drawl is so over the top.  His funny voice alone is worth One Star in my book.

 

Everybody else in the cast stinks.  Malcolm’s whiny voice is annoying (he sounds like Peter Pan after an OD of pixie dust) and Mitchell makes for one of the least appealing heroes in screen history.  And don’t even get me on the lame-o cult leader guy with the cheap trench coat and distorted voice.

 

Incredibly, Greidanus went on to direct behind the scenes DVD featurettes for several Michael Mann films; which makes me wonder if Michael Mann has seen this movie.

 

AKA:  Quest for the Lost City.

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( 2 comments — Comment )
comeuppancereviews.com
Apr. 9th, 2012 11:17 am (UTC)
Great review! This was hilariously bad. Zap Roswdower is a personal hero. Haha.
thevideovacuum
Apr. 9th, 2012 12:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks man! Rowsdower rules!
( 2 comments — Comment )

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