The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum


Okay, so first Deborah Gibson does the SyFy Channel Original, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  Now, Tiffany stars in Mega Piranha.  What’s next, Martika starring in Mega Plankton vs. Jumbo Shrimp? 


The Secretary of State (Barry Williams, Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch) sends a Special Forces soldier named Fitch (Paul Logan) to investigate the mysterious death of an American diplomat on the Amazon River.  Turns out a school of hungry, genetically-mutated, exponentially-growing, poorly-CGI’ed piranha are to blame.  Those buggers quickly turn the size of sperm whales, escape the Amazon, and head for the Florida coast.  Fitch joins up with a ginger-headed fish doctor (Tiffany) to stop the piranha from turning the locals into fish food.


You know, in this day and age it takes a lot of balls to have your movie monsters look like refugees from a Sega Dreamcast game.  Jeez Louise, I haven’t seen effects this bad since The Scorpion King reared his ugly CGI head at the end of The Mummy Returns.  I know this is a made for SyFy Channel Movie we’re talking about here, but let’s have SOME standards for Christ’s sake.  Sure, it’s funny seeing shitty CGI giant ass piranha jumping out of the water and kamikazing themselves into buildings THE FIRST TIME.  It doesn’t take long for their charm to quickly wear off.  Although there are one or two fun moments (like when an alligator’s head pops up out of the water and it turns out to be nothing more than a severed head), they are few and far between.  Like Spinal Tap said, there is a fine line between stupid and clever; and Mega Piranha just can’t walk the line.


That’s right; most of Mega Piranha is just plain flat out unadulterated stupidity.  From the idiotic scientific explanation for the piranha (Tiffany was trying to make them “more robust”), to the irritating Venezuelan dictator villain, to the superfluous title cards stating each character’s names and occupation; just about everything about this movie is Lamesville.  I think the dumbest thing about the flick was the transition scenes.  They feature a whole lot of whoosh-bang sound effects and ADD editing and it really gets on your damn nerves.  Seriously, there’s even a bunch of whooshing sound effects and rapid-fire editing during the hero’s cab ride from the airport!


Probably the most disappointing thing for me about Mega Piranha was Tiffany.  Now look, I freely admit to my unhealthy love for Tiffany but frankly, even I have to admit that she’s pretty busted looking in this movie.  That poor girl needs to go back on Celebrity Fit Club ASAP.  Maybe Harvey can whip her ass back into shape.  Oh well, maybe she can lose some pounds before it’s time to film Super Duper Mega Piranha next year.

Tags: horror, m, sci-fi

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