The Short Version:
Milla Jovovich does NOT get naked in 3-D, so save your $14 and see Piranha 3-D again.
The Long Version:
Resident Evil: Afterlife 3-D hates you. It really does. It takes away everything you want from a Resident Evil movie and then rubs your nose in it. You want Milla Jovovich naked? Sorry, this Bud is not for you. You want to see zombies killed in awesome ways? Uh-uh, not happening. You want funny looking monsters killing people? Well, you get that, but it’s not very good. What I’m getting at here people is that this movie sucks.
This one picks up after Resident Evil: Remember When We Knew How to Make a Good Resident Evil Movie as Alice (Milla) goes to
Afterlife is so lame that you have to keep yourself amused by picking out all the stupid shit that doesn’t make a lick of sense. Like how all the soldiers’ (as well as
Shit like this doesn’t usually bother me in a movie but when the rest of the movie blows like a syphilitic hooker, we got problems. The action sequences are all pretty weak, with the exception of the opening one. If the movie was nothing but mediocre action set piece after mediocre action set piece, I could’ve lived with that. But like the zombies, the scenes that take place in between the action are as lifeless as can be. I’m not saying I’m craving Academy Award winning shit here, but Resident Evil: Apocalypse at least had memorable characters.
Speaking of memorable characters, the only ones that really register are the main villain (who acts like Val Kilmer playing Neo in Raging Asshole Mode) and the refugee from Silent Hill who attacks hot babes with a big ass battle axe. This guy ain’t got nothing on Nemesis from Resident Evil: Apocalypse, but he’s OK I guess. I did like the fact that he had a grappling hook hanging halfway out his abdomen and nobody said anything about it.
What good ideas there are in Afterlife are pretty much squandered. Having the survivors wall themselves up inside a maximum security prison is a nice touch but it’s nothing more than a throwaway. It’s just another pit stop on the way to the next action sequence.
And for some reason they stop with all the 3-D stuff about halfway through the movie. The 3-D effects come at ya fast and furious throughout the opening action sequence but they dry up after
- 3-D Rain
- 3-D Guns
- 3-D Milla
- 3-D Multiple Millas
- 3-D Ninja Stars
- 3-D Sword
- 3-D Shrapnel
- 3-D Bullets
- 3-D T-Viruses
- 3-D Airplane
- 3-D Zombies
- 3-D Flag Pole
- 3-D Glasses
- 3-D Octopus Face Zombies
And this leads up to my biggest complaint with the movie. And there’s no one to blame but director Paul W.S. Anderson here. Look Paul, you have the latest in 3-D technology at your fingertips. You have the hottest damn woman on the planet who has gotten naked in the all the previous entries in the series. This should’ve been a no-brainer. But do we get to see Milla Jovovich naked in 3-D?
Look Paul, I know Milla is your wife and all but you have got to stop being such a greedy bastard and share that shit with the rest of us. I mean we’re talking 3-D here Paul. Remember when Betsy Rue did her four minute long 3-D naked scene in My Bloody Valentine 3-D? That shit was legendary. Now was I expecting that epic of a nude scene from Milla this time out? No. Heck, I would’ve been happy with no nipple shots too. I could’ve lived with a side tit shot and/or some butt cleavage. At least have her in some skimpy outfits for fuck’s sake.
I think what really pissed me off about the No Ta-Ta’s Clause in your wife’s contract was that you teased us so heartlessly with it during the shower scene. I mean she goes into the shower room. She turns the shower ON. She lets it run a bit. Then she remarks about how COLD the water is. Then she sets her towel down and takes off her guns. Then… the zombies attack. What the fuck. No nudity. Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ.
And you know what; I might’ve been able to deal with a Resident Evil movie in which Milla didn’t get naked. I mean it’s after the zombie apocalypse. She’s busy controlling a clone army, flying planes, looking for survivors, shooting zombies, etc. I know the girl has a lot on her plate. But when you heartlessly tease us with the shower scene and then DON’T DELIVER… that’s when I draw the line.
I think the part that hurts the most was when you made Milla tell the audience just how COLD the water was. All I kept thinking about after that was 3-D Erect Milla Nipples… 3-D Erect Milla Nipples… 3-D Erect Milla Nipples… And then... NOTHING.
You know Paul; I defended you a lot when everyone in internet message boards called you a hack. I praised you for your work in Death Race when no one else would. I championed your handling of the Aliens and the Predators in the face of outright ridicule. I even took up for you for Soldier. Now, you’re dead to me motherfucker.
You should’ve let Uwe Boll direct this shit. He would’ve known what the people wanted to see. 3-D Milla Titties.
Now that I think about it though, maybe that scene where the bad guy took away Milla’s “special powers” makes sense now. Maybe her special powers are actually her ability to get naked. Ah yes, now it becomes clear.
I think if Milla DID get naked, it wouldn’t have saved the movie. As far as Movies Based on Video Games go, Resident Evil: Afterlife 3-D is not nearly as bad as a Silent Hill or a Max Payne. At the most, it’s a Two Star deal. Milla not getting naked (in 3-D no less) is a deal breaker for me me though. Not seeing Milla Jovovicah nude in 3-D has to rank as the missed opportunity of the year. Possibly of all time. So, One Star deduction for that.
The good news is that there is a scene after the credits that gratuitously sets up another sequel and re-introduces Jill Valentine (now a blonde for some reason) back into the mix. Even though she wasn’t naked, her cleavage stuck out nice and good in 3-D. So here’s hoping if there is a Part 5, maybe she’ll get naked if Milla doesn’t.