The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum

THE 19TH WIFE (2010) * ½

Man, am I ever disappointed.  I DVR’ed this flick based on the title alone.  I thought it was going to be all about a Morman dude with 19 wives.  Well, it is but the guy in question gets blown away with a shotgun within the first 19 seconds of the movie.  That’s right; we never get to see him bang any of ‘em.  What a fucking gyp.


No, this is actually a shitty Lifetime whodunit movie.  Let me tell ya, I was hoping we’d actually get to see the guy trying to juggle the wives.  I was curious to know about the time management issues that go into having 19 wives.  Like who gets fucked when, which wife is cooking dinner, and what have you.  Now I know what you’re gonna say.  You’re gonna say, “Mitch if you wanted to watch a Morman polygamist trying to satisfy all of his wives, you should’ve just watched the Bill Paxton show, Big Love.” 


Well, I’ve seen Big Love.  Big Love is all about a dude with THREE wives.  This guy had NINETEEN.  Bill Paxton was a fucking chump next to this dude.


Of course, somebody killed him so he can’t enjoy his wives anymore.  That sucks.  So much for religious tolerance. 


You know something; those Morman dudes are OK in my book.  I mean any time you can marry 19 women and knock ‘em up with a full litter, you’re doing something right.  The only downside is you’ve gotta make ‘em wear a buttoned down Snuggie all the time.  Still, once you get ‘em in the bedroom I bet they hump like a bunny.  The only thing I disagree with the Mormans on is that these guys like to get their wives when they’re like 14.  Haven’t you ever heard you’re not supposed to pick a tomato until it’s ripe?


If only the movie did away with all the murder mystery crap and concentrated on banging 19 broads, this could’ve been something special.   We do get a flashback where the great Brigham Young gets down and funky with one of his wives but they never actually show anything.  Bummer.

Tags: drama, n
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