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ICE (1994) **

Traci Lords stars as a jewel thief who steals a bunch of diamonds from Jorge (Werewolf) Rivero.  When her husband and business partner (Phillip Troy) gets killed by Rivero’s men, she turns to her fuck-up brother (Zach Galligan from Gremlins) for help.  Of course, he double-crosses her in order to pay off his gambling debt.  Traci then sets out to reclaim the diamonds and get revenge for her hubby.

 

For the most part, Ice is kinda dull, but there are a couple of OK action scenes and shootouts to keep you awake for the most part.  I wanted to like it, but the movie did something about halfway through that really pissed me off.  The scene in question comes when Traci and her husband are about to have sex in the shower.  Just when you think she’s going to get naked, they both go into the shower with their underwear on.  What the fuck is up with that?  At first I thought Traci was just trying to multitask by doing her laundry and taking a shower at the same time.  Then I realized her husband (her real-life husband, not the dude in the shower) was the director.  And we all know what that means:  He must’ve put a no ta-ta’s clause in her contract.

 

Ice is a pretty forgettable heist thriller.  I only watched it because Traci was in it and the fact that she didn’t get naked almost made me hate it.  Still, there’s some pretty funny stuff here.  I think my favorite moment came when one of the bad guy’s henchmen hid a shotgun inside a bag of popcorn.  I have no idea how anyone missed seeing the shotgun sticking from under the bag, but the reveal is hilarious.  Usually guys stick their dicks in a bag of popcorn to trick a girl into grabbing their junk.  This guy used a shotgun in a bag of popcorn to trick Traci Lords into almost getting killed.  I’ve got to give points for originality on that one.

 

Suggested Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time someone says the word, “Ice”.

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