The Video Vacuum (thevideovacuum) wrote,
The Video Vacuum
thevideovacuum

FASTER (2010) **

The Rock started out with what looked like a great action movie career with The Scorpion King, The Rundown, and Walking Tall.  Somewhere along the way though, he began working almost exclusively in the family film genre doing a seemingly endless string of awful looking Disney movies.  I know even the great Arnold Schwarzenegger had to resort to starring in a few family friendly comedies to “flex his acting muscles” but The Rock went off the deep end starring in The Game Plan, Race to Witch Mountain, and (cringe) The Tooth Fairy.

 

I always pictured The Rock selling his soul to the Devil to be a movie star.  But Lucifer tricked The Rock because he said “movie star” and not “action movie star”, so Satan forced The Rock into starring in a bunch of crappy (but high grossing) Disney movies.  Finally, The Rock had enough and challenged The Prince of Darkness to a no-holds barred cage match.  If he won, he’d regain control of his movie career.  If he lost, he’d be a turned into a human Disney attraction for all eternity. 

 

Well, the bout went down in Hell in a barb wire steel cage.  Deceased wrestling commentators Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes called the match.  Lucifer’s minions had their handmade cardboard signs that said “666 4 LIFE!”, and “DEVILMANIA”, rooting on their dark lord and master and chanting “SA-TAN, SA-TAN, SA-TAN!”  The Rock wasn’t fazed by this at all.  He was determined to get his soul back.  After a lengthy bout with the Devil (who was always cheating and giving low blows when the ref wasn’t looking); The Rock finally splash-landed The People’s Elbow into Satan’s sternum.  This effectively knocked the wind out of him and allowed The Rock enough time to get the pin and win the match.

 

Now that The Rock had defeated the Devil and regained control of his career, what does he do?  He makes Faster, a lukewarm uneven revenge flick.  Something tells me that Satan is somehow still pulling the strings.

 

In fact, Faster is so forgettable that I had to heavily pad my review with all that jazz about The Rock giving Satan the People’s Elbow because that sounds a lot cooler than anything that happens in the actual movie. 

 

Basically, The Rock’s brother gets killed after a robbery by some double-crossing crooks.  The Rock goes to jail and when he gets out, he starts Charles Bronsoning the dudes that murdered his brother.  It’s up to a junkie cop (Billy Bob Thornton) to stop him.  Meanwhile, a cool as ice assassin (Oliver Jackson-Cohen) is hired by one of The Rock’s targets to take him out.

 

The movie divides it’s time between The Rock, Thornton, and Jackson-Cohen.  This is the biggest mistake Faster makes.  Had they focused all of their time on The Rock getting revenge, it could’ve been great as his scenes are easily the best thing about the movie.  Thornton’s scenes are OK (they resemble Bad Lieutenant Lite) but the stuff with Jackson-Cohen kills a lot of the film’s momentum.  His scenes aren’t necessarily bad, but they belong in an entirely different movie.  Besides, I thought Hollywood put a moratorium on all movies in which hipster hitmen talk to their therapists on their cell phone while performing a job.

 

The good news is; The Rock is in top form here.  He says very few words, fucks a lot of dudes up, and moves like a goddamned Great White.  His brutal, physical performance is the only reason to watch the flick.  Whenever he isn’t on screen, Faster gets Slower real quick.

Tags: action, f
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