Years ago, there was a massacre at an elementary school which led to the place being shut down. Decades later, a bunch of annoying teens break into the supposedly haunted school for some Ghost Hunters style shenanigans. It doesn’t take long before a little ghost girl warns them to leave. Predictably, they don’t listen to her and get picked off one by one by a demonic spirit that looks more than a little like The Undertaker from WWE.
Hellementary gets props for the hilarious title but that’s about it. Although the thin plot could’ve worked, the flick suffers from a lot of the same problems that plague most low budget horror movies. First and foremost, the characters are too annoying for words. Seriously, if that Johnny Weir look-alike with the Emo haircut didn’t stop whining I was going to punch him in the Adam’s apple. Then there’s the fact that most of the kills happen off screen. When they do show something, it’s either lame (like when the floating desk impaled one kid) or too stupid for words (like the killer carpet). You also have to deal with the muddy cinematography. Every frame of this flick makes it look like some poor bastard with Crohn’s Disease shat directly into the camera.
Bottom Line: Despite the clever title, I still have to flunk Hellementary.
AKA: Hellementary: An Education in Death.